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11
He later told me that he opted for choice number two (the older brother was no longer
getting filled at the younger ones expense).
For the older boy, he was not exposed to the intimidation that normally would have been
demonstrated by me in the past.
On another occasion it was the older son that came to be filled at his younger brothers
expense.
I just walked through the front door when he came storming down the stairs threatening to
hit his younger brother.
Remembering that I was learning a new way of being a better parent, I asked him why he
felt this way. He said that his brother was annoying him.
I pointed out that actually his brother did not have the power to give him his emotions of
anger, that it was how he processed what his brother was doing that caused him to be angry
and that he was the owner of the thoughts that ran through his mind and that he could
choose not to be angry.
My eldest boy was not being filled at his brothers expense and tried another strategy.
He then began to threaten me (because he wasn’t getting the response he was used to).
In the past I would have pulled rank on him (how dare you speak to me like that I’m your
mother). Or perhaps I would intimidate him.
What would that teach him?
It would teach him that I am higher or better than him, that I am an authority that he should
fear and respect.
The reality is that I am to demonstrate a mature attitude towards him and then he would
automatically cultivate that respect.
Yet in actual fact In my old behaviour I was teaching him that he is not my equal, that he
should fear authority and inviting him to be rebellious.
He could see that the tactics that normally worked for him were no no longer working, by
now he was clutching at straws.
He then began to tell me how his younger sister had been horrible to him and teasing him.
He said that she had said things to her friends that were not true, I asked him if he believed
that they were not true, he said yes , I then asked him if he knew that they were not true and
again he replied yes.
I continued to point out to him that if he knew all these things there was no need to upset
himself.
Yet again he was not filled.
By now, his voice had reached a high pitch and he began to point the finger at his sister
once again, “ you don’t know what she did, she put the plate in the microwave and it had
nothing in it and it could have exploded.”
I told him that it hadn’t and even if it did we would have replaced it.
I was already becoming tearful, because I knew I had changed in that moment.
By now he had exhausted all of the avenues that normally would have got a response from
me that would fill him at the expense of his siblings.
He broke down in tears and so I also knew that something had broken in both of us (our old
habits, old behaviour patterns).
New creations were in the moulding.
Sometimes we still behave as we did as children, seeking support from others at the
expense of those that touch our lives (they are our brothers and sisters).
We are humans being, and we choose to be the desire of our heart.
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